Breathing
"I have a hard time allowing myself to make future plans because I wonder if Jeff will get sick again. Then I feel guilty because that means I am not really living or letting him live, I'm just holding my breath. But I'm learning to find a balance between saving up just in case and living like it's all going to be ok."
That was something I wrote on a discussion board last fall. It happened to be right before my husband's two-year check-up and amidst talk of planning a big family vacation. He also started talking of plans for my 40th birthday and I hadn't even turned 39 yet. He's a big planner. :)
And everytime he would talk of planning something in the future, my mind would go back to the summer of 2006 when he relapsed right before we were to leave on vacation. Our kids were great about it. The two older ones said, "That's ok, Mama. We'll just go next year." (My in-laws saved the week, arriving to pick up our kids and take them to their cabin. The kids were delighted!) But I just didn't want to go through cancelling reservations and breaking the news to the kids ever again. It was such a disappointment on top of everything else. I suppose I felt that if I didn't plan anything, I wouldn't have to cancel anything. I could control that one aspect of my future. (It's rediculous logic, I know. Especially for someone who claims to be surrendered to whatever God has planned. But that's how it was, nonetheless.)
Jeff wore me down, and in February, we did take the Disney vacation he started bugging me about last fall. He asked if he should buy ticket insurance in case he got sick. I said "No." (God had given me peace about going, so buying ticket insurance would have been like saying "I'll go, but I don't really trust you, God.") It was a successful vacation with the biggest "problem" being the flight down there getting delayed. Then he took me to Colorado with him last month on business, and it never crossed my mind that we'd have to cancel because of leukemia.
Well, I realized something on Monday. I'm no longer holding my breath! He has check-ups every six months now, and Monday was the day. I had forgotten about it!!! I realized it around 10 am, and thought "Hmm, if I forgot, I certainly hope he remembered to go." :) He is now 2 1/2 years cancer-free. And so I'm wondering, what should we plan for next year?
I'm breathing again, and it...feels...GOOD!
That was something I wrote on a discussion board last fall. It happened to be right before my husband's two-year check-up and amidst talk of planning a big family vacation. He also started talking of plans for my 40th birthday and I hadn't even turned 39 yet. He's a big planner. :)
And everytime he would talk of planning something in the future, my mind would go back to the summer of 2006 when he relapsed right before we were to leave on vacation. Our kids were great about it. The two older ones said, "That's ok, Mama. We'll just go next year." (My in-laws saved the week, arriving to pick up our kids and take them to their cabin. The kids were delighted!) But I just didn't want to go through cancelling reservations and breaking the news to the kids ever again. It was such a disappointment on top of everything else. I suppose I felt that if I didn't plan anything, I wouldn't have to cancel anything. I could control that one aspect of my future. (It's rediculous logic, I know. Especially for someone who claims to be surrendered to whatever God has planned. But that's how it was, nonetheless.)
Jeff wore me down, and in February, we did take the Disney vacation he started bugging me about last fall. He asked if he should buy ticket insurance in case he got sick. I said "No." (God had given me peace about going, so buying ticket insurance would have been like saying "I'll go, but I don't really trust you, God.") It was a successful vacation with the biggest "problem" being the flight down there getting delayed. Then he took me to Colorado with him last month on business, and it never crossed my mind that we'd have to cancel because of leukemia.
Well, I realized something on Monday. I'm no longer holding my breath! He has check-ups every six months now, and Monday was the day. I had forgotten about it!!! I realized it around 10 am, and thought "Hmm, if I forgot, I certainly hope he remembered to go." :) He is now 2 1/2 years cancer-free. And so I'm wondering, what should we plan for next year?
I'm breathing again, and it...feels...GOOD!
Comments
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis
What a beautiful photo of the two of you!
www.wildlifearoundus.blogspot.com
God bless you as you trust him in all these issues you face.